I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
