I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
Randomize
