I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Randomize
