walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
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