There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
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