Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
