I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
