FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize