Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
