i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
nutella sex= disaster
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
