So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
