cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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