I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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