i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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