When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
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