Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Randomize
