i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
