Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
