I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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