At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
