I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
