pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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