i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I didn't notice because vodka
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
