Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
