At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Vodka?
Forever.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
