Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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