so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize