He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
