Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
