i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
