you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
