feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
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