do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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