You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
