Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
