Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
