it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Randomize
