I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
The cops high fived after they tackled you
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
