i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
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