Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
it's like iHOP with fire
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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