i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
