I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
