Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
