Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
