Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Randomize
