Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
i love accidental penises.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
