What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
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