Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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