Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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