I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
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