Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
