Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Randomize
