1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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