I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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