like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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