dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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