hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
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