everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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