My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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