If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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