i was born a porn star she said
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
