I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
