I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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