I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
