Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Randomize
